Raktor’s blog

1. Fall in love.
2. Get married.
3. Kiss in the rain.
4. Have a child.
5. Name my child something cool.
6. Make a CD for my dad of all the songs I hear him sing and whistle constantly.
7. Make a CD with recordings of myself playing piano, and give it to people who are interested.
8. Own my own dog.
9. Keep tropical fish.
10. Get into a university that I am happy with.
11. Be artistically creative.
12. Be a lighting designer for a large show.
13. Go on holidays by myself interstate.
14. Go on holidays by myself overseas.
15. Visit America.
16. Visit Canada.
17. Visit England.
18. Stay in a five star hotel.
19. Get a well paying job.
20. Buy a house.
21. Play a duet on piano with someone I love.
22. Buy a grand piano for my house.
23. Learn to fly a plane.
24. Go skydiving.
25. Learn all of Billy Joel's music on piano.
26. Get a biography of myself in the program for a theatre production.
27. Go back to Singapore.
28. Watch an autopsy of a human.
29. Cry with someone I love.
30. Buy jewelry for someone special and for them to wear it everyday.
    

The concept of fate is perceived differently by different people. Some choose to believe that their God has higher plans for them and that everything is planned out for their lives already. Others choose to believe that they are the only ones in control of their lives.

I am a Christian, but I don't believe that God has everything planned out for me and that I don't have control over my life. I hate the idea that someone besides myself is controlling my fate and what happens to me. I hope that I'm the one making the choices in my life; who I talk to, what career I choose, what I do with my time. I think that we all have our own power to choose to do what we want and be the person that we like.

However, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Not that they are influenced by a higher power, but that a reasonable explanation can be found for how we can learn or benefit from everything that happens. An extreme example in this case would be a victim of cancer. This is a very tragic thing, but their departing can be beneficial, in the forms of cancer research on them dead and alive. As terrible as the death will be to close friends and relatives, the research will help limit the suffering of other cancer patients and work towards a cure. See Shinmaryuu's Blog as an example.

There's a reason that everything happens.

"We don't live in a world of reality, we live in a world of perceptions." --Someone.

"i guess thats why people have such short relationships, because once they get over the novelty of a relationship with someone they find attractive with a lukewarm personality they want something more and so go in search of it in another place, perhaps with another attractive lukewarm person and its not until someone feels truly lonely that they know what its like to need love" --Erica.

"women are bitches." --Owine.

I don't believe love at first sight exists. I believe it's a stupid misunderstanding of the word love, and the misinterpretation of the phrase that's led to all of the talking about it. Also, I think teenage girls have a big play in it, watching movies and thinking how romantic it will be to glance at the good looking mysterious stranger across the room and instantly fall in love.

The only thing that can be determined from looking at someone is a physical attraction, defined as 'lust'. You can tell also whether they look after themselves, whether they look rich, caring and all of the other things you look for in a significant other, but you cannot tell your connection with them and how they truly act. So really, love at first sight is just a misuse of the word. It exists, but as "lust at first sight". This probably doesn't really appeal to all the people who want to have a romantic story to tell and have their love life act out like a movie, but it's the truth.

We're all shallow beings on the inside, it's just the extent that it's portrayed on the outside that differentiates us. But once we find a need to fill that empty hole inside us that only a significant other can fill, we shouldn't be looking for 'love at first sight' or just lusting over people. They should be someone that means something to us, someone we get along with... not someone we want to flaunt because of their good looks.

Love at first sight does not exist. It is just lust, and lust is ridiculous. Those people will just end up unhappy.

I officially hate the winter. I don't know if it's even here yet, I can't be bothered counting the months. But I know it's close, or here, and it's cold. I hate it. :(

Was speaking to someone in Canada the other day, I was bitching about the cold. She replied with "Oh, it's nice here, getting up to about 12C now." It was about 15C here. Way to make me feel weak. :[

Anyway, since I last blogged, three months ago... been through some issues. Ended up going to an awesome psych clinic for three weeks to sort out some issues, mainly depression and lack of eating because of it. I was pretty stupid, it was kind of caused by a friendship I just didn't want to let go of, but I still think it was worth it so it's all good. Nice break from life/parents/stress too, and met some awesome girls there.

Been going to school on and off when I can, pretty much scraping through in some subjects and doing fair awesome at Lit and IT. I think Lit is my favorite subject at the moment; maybe because of the marks I keep getting or because I seem to find it easy but enjoyable. Either way it's good.

Getting back into music again. Going to do VCE Music Solo next year, so I've started getting piano lessons again. Still attempting to do vocal work as well, but that doesn't come very easily so I'm keeping that one in the background.

We're getting an extension built at the moment, going up a floor, so I've changed bedrooms. This one's a bit smaller, and I have to find some room to set up the camera to film some BSoD things. Would have liked it to come back in a few days, but it looks like because of time constraints it won't be back for another month, but we're hoping to make it worthwhile with quality increases; both video and content.

Still hanging out on the BSoD and Hak.5 IRC servers. Hak.5 seems to be going through a tough time with some pretty immature attacks on their server, but they're coping better than I thought. Some people just have the maturity of a child and need to be put down though.

Song writing is awesome. Been getting into it a bit, but I only seem to be able to do it when I'm thoroughly filled with an emotion, and when that happens recently it's pretty much going to be depression so the songs end up coming out pretty emo. Not minding that all too much really, they still turn out quite well, but just not as happy as I'd like them. Need to talk to Ashley Witt about what gear I should buy to record vocals so I can get the ball rolling and encourage myself to do some more work on songs.

Anyway, time for me to sleep. Comment this up because I haven't spoken to some of you for a fair while.

:)

xx

I wish that I could do something right
Just stand up and walk away from this blade
To stop me running blind into this empty night.

I feel so strange, emotions dynamic as a kite
I wish I knew why I want to sleep, sleep until it will fade
I wish that I could do something right.

I can’t hold a friendship, I wish I didn’t fight
At times like this my life shouldn’t have been made
To stop me running blind into this empty night.

But some close friends don’t give up, the angels in white
Though I’m too bad of a friend, not listening when they aid
I wish that I could do something right.

Running, racing… quickly towards the light
My life is now over, no chance for a trade
To stop me running blind into this empty night.

No longer I’ll have to see sadness through my friends’ sight
I’ve left, life’s finished and I’ve played
I wish I could do something right
To stop me escaping my problems into this empty night.

Planned = No.
Packed = No.
Dressed = Yes.

That's a positive. At least I'll greet them with clothes on. Albeit, the same set every day, unless I get a move on and stop blogging and start packing. Oh well.

For BSoD, an online IPTV show that I'm apart of, I'm filming a few interviews at linux.conf.au. This week is pretty much reserved for research of the people I've been lucky enough to score interviews with, and do some questions and planning. Can't name names for the interviews yet, as things still haven't been 100% finalized, but there's a few big names jumping in there, and I need to make sure I know what I'm talking about before I embarrass myself in front of them.

thetron is going to be helping me with some production/filming work, so a shoutout and thanks to him in advance for that.

I'd also like to give a shoutout to Pia Waugh too, for helping arrange interviews and being very nice about it all. :)

Summary: Suckiness.

Long story: Got invited to a party by one of my mates. Ended up going with her not being there, and only about 15 other people showing up. Pretty much everyone was drinking except me, too. Half the people there were cocky guys from school, starting fist fights and God knows what. I just tried to keep away from that.

Anyway, they left eventually, leaving about 8 or 9 of us. We went walking to find a random party, went in one, and got chased out of the house by a drunken woman wielding a bottle. Eep. I'm glad we didn't stay there though, it was all 13 year olds who were stoned and completely wasted, not really a party as such...

We walked back, talked for a while until the New Year came, and then I went home.

Going home, in my opinion, was the best part of the night.

Friendship is a slippery notion. We lose friends as we change and our friends don't, or as we form other alliances, or as we betray our friends or are ourselves betrayed. We often make friends for the weakest of reasons - proximity, for example, or shared experience, or laziness or need - but what will make them endure as friends? Their similarity to us? Their utter difference from us?

The first time I read over this quote I didn't really get it and kept reading, but then it suddenly clicked in my brain and I went back and reread it a few times. I think that this quote sums up the bad thing about friendships and makes them seem unstable and rocky, but it doesn't go into the positives, the stabilities, the enjoyment.

We lose friends as we change and our friends don't
But as we change, we become friends with other people who now share our growing interests.

...or as we betray our friends or are ourselves betrayed.
When things like this happen in a friendship, I don't think there was a real friendship to begin with. If your friendship gets to the point of betrayal, it should have mutually been settled a long time ago without turning into a large conflict.

We often make friends for the weakest of reasons...but what will make them endure as friends?
Nothing. But by experiences like this, we meet new people. Sure, some of them might just be there because we need a friend at a certain point, but some of them may end up being the person you were really looking for, and a proper friend to you.

Personally, I think this quote did a good job highlighting the different bad facts about friendships stability, but I believe it isn't all bad, and you need to look on both sides of the fence.